A Letter to 16-Year-Old Me

Happy birthday, beautiful.

Yes, you're beautiful. I wish you would believe that more. This year has been a lot for you. Your emotions are running high today, I know. You cried alot last night and its heavy - I understand. 16 is a special age to be celebrated, I know, and I know you didn't get anything. It's difficult seeing him leave out the house like he despises you - I mean you just broke up a few weeks ago, and you shouldn't be here anyway. It's alot and you two are way too young to have had to grow up so fast. You should be home with the people you love being celebrated. It's okay that you feel uncomfortable, you should. And yes, you should leave, but where will you go? I know how much you hate being alone, and that's okay. You won't hear from your mom today, and that's okay too. She's okay. Today you're entering into the precursor before adulthood. You should be excited - you're closer to the independence you need. But that won't be as easy as you think. It won't always feel like this. It won't always feel so heavy, and you won't always cry so much...It's okay to cry.

April, no one is going to tell you, but you need to know this:

First, I love you and you deserved better. Better does come - just not right away.

Though much of your journey will be painful; even unbearable at times, God is with you. You need to know that more than anything - and believe it. He talks to you in your dreams and later, you'll see He speaks to you through the animals you see. Forgive yourself for the mishap you always think about - it wasn't your fault, and it was an honest mistake. He will reveal Himself to you in moments where you need clarity and when you call on Him, He will answer you. The way He responds to you is not going to look like what you expect, and you probably won't recognize Him when He is working in your life during some seasons. You need to know that seasons are not like the series of the weather you experience throughout the year. Your seasons will be periods of time that will sometimes last a few months to many years - and sometimes they will seem like they are not going to end. Some people you meet will seem like supernatural beings - good ones and bad. You're not crazy. You have protection and when you're fearful, He will reassure you that He is there, through gentleness, or He will show His strength. Sometimes that will be very frightening, but don't be afraid. You should know that you hold a very special place in His heart.

The first part of your life will feel lonely and hard, but your observative eyes, undeniable willpower, strength, resilience, and bull headedness is going to carry you far. You'll find that He will cause people to take you under their wings and teach you, and you'll find yourself doing that for others. You may not feel special, but you have no idea how important you are or the lives you'll save. Yes, you. You have a work to do that requires some unfortunate events to occur. You will have many lessons to learn, but you will learn them - some slower than others, and that's okay. I promise you that it will be worth it. Right now, you don't know your worth, but you will and good luck to anyone who comes for it, once you know it.

You know you finally started liking hamburgers and chicken? No lie, you get past the curled-up grease on the patty and the chicken veins. You'd be shocked to know that you're an okay cook too. AND you eat a variety of things that you are now self-starving yourself from. You grew out of believing in fairytales, but your future does kind of mimic one in ways. You didn't stick with hair as a career path, but it carried you and it came in handy when you needed it. You aren't as stuck as you think, you do go back to school, and you finish. When you go back to school you become somewhat of a leader, because you were authentically you, and they said you didn't judge them. You went back and you went to College and University, and you followed your first dream, took the perfect detour, and you were glad you did. And guess what, you're fucking great at what you do! Did you know that you're also decent writer? You went back to it. You can draw a lil bit too - it just takes a bit of time.

Your kind spirit and compassion are what makes you genuinely you - that is you, be her. Watch your temper though. Later, Ma will tell you, your words are cutting - she is not wrong. That is a gift, that if used incorrectly will destroy your relationships. For as much as you're gifted to uplift, your anger can destroy people. No one deserves that - remain your kind self. It will be second nature to shut that part down as you grow up. Your personality is beautiful - even the talkative you. Yes, you become talkative. You do that when you began to heal - you'll adjust.... eventually. I'm glad you do that - you were silent for too long. What you have to say will carry you into many spaces and will promote you. You know you can't blend in with the walls forever. Because of your nature, there are those who will try to take advantage of you and it will cause you to have many heartbreaks and moments that feel humiliating but hold your head up. I told you that God shows up in ways that you don't recognize. Remain compassionate towards those who are mean spirited towards you, they will need it. Right now, you don't see it - your vision is blurred by sadness, disappointment, and anxiety - there is a name for it. You feel lost, and that's normal. That's how you should feel- none of this is ok. After a while, you will begin to notice that He shows up for you. He blesses those who bless you and He stands up against those who rise up against you. Not because you are better than anyone, but because of the road that He will require you to walk, much of it with just you and Him; and because you chose to rise to the occasion to walk it. Many don't do that.

Your future is bright and that's what those random moments of hope are that you feel. The random sense that you'll be okay when in reality nothing is okay, is assurance from me that you have not yet recognized. I'd tell you to skip the one you'll relate to beyond your school and neighborhood years at 25, but then you wouldn't get the greatest gift you'll ever receive - it's a boy, and he changes everything for you. When you carry him, our father will be an angel, and he will visit you with a message from our Creator. You were a bridge to the forgiveness he desired and the relationship he formed with the Almighty before he left this world. Your child is also a seer- you're great at cultivating him. You're a great mom by the way. All the things you wanted to experience as a child and in high school - naturally you get to. He plays basketball - yes, basketball. You end up liking the sport all because of him - who knew, right???

See how special you are?

It's comical now, though not to you at 16, that you believe that you'll never learn to drive or have a place of your own. Hmmh, you'll have one next year. When you look at the downtown skyline, you see people in their suits going to work, who have lucrative careers and endless opportunities that you secretly want for you. Well...it's you. Yeh, you.

At 42, you are living and thriving. None of the things that you are worrying about today will consume you in my today. You're conquering and facing your fears like you can't imagine right now. You're not what people said, but you already know that. Your future is brighter than you suspect and love seeks you out from so many directions. You're the rare pearl in the box that gets hidden away until its time. You're a force to be reckoned with.

Happy birthday, beautiful!