I'm April...
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...generally, a private person unless in the company of a confidante, and even then, much of what I share on the pages of this journal will be new to them. Who I can describe to you is who I've been, lived with, and become over the last 40+ years. And that, I hope unfolds for you naturally as I share my journey in healing.
I consider myself a woman filled with faith and purpose, grounded in reality, having a decent understanding of where what is spiritual meets my natural reality, and how both reflect the reality that I experience in my everyday life. I am not a "Holy Roller" by any means, as I probably was once labeled. I am not a heathen either - at least I wouldn't say so. I am flawed though, very flawed. Some are apparent and some are hidden deep inside from a lifetime of practice, though they often surface themselves in awkward ways and at the most inopportune times. I am not a person who is boastful - there is no point in that and it's not helpful. I find pleasure and fulfillment in helping those who cannot help themselves because I was once that person. Self-destructive patterns, blurring the lines of kindness and a lack of boundaries, and acceptance seeking tendencies was a way of being that even now at times I still wrestle with - but more often than not now, I win those matches. This journey is decades in the making and long overdue. It's imperfect. It's not narrow, and it looks very different from what I would've expected when I set out to live - and not just to live but, THRIVE. ​That is why I am here, in this space.
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This part of my journey is about 2 years in the making, and it is ever evolving. I remember experiencing this moment where I thought to myself, "I think I'm headed in the right direction, what do I do now? How do I build myself now? This was after revisiting the question that I was asked regularly by my therapist over the years, "What does happiness look like for you?" Happiness hadn't really existed in my sphere - few people may have known that. I didn't even know what it meant. Sure, I had some happy moments that were fleeting, but genuine happiness and joy that wasn't diminished by a few rough days or that existed despite the trauma of my past - no clue, no semblance of resonance. How I eventually found myself journeying into these areas that aide me on this path, you'll find, somewhere in these pages. I am a peculiar one, and like my journey, my thinking and storytelling is not linear -neither is my journal. That is one characteristic about me in particular that I had to accept about me and in doing so, I learned that I love that about me - it makes me unique.
I want to convey most of all and above anything that I see you. Even though I don't physically see you- I see you. I understand what trauma, repetitive disappointments, betrayal, heartbreak, depression, anxiety and its lingering effects can do. I lived it the majority of my life. I understand the toll it can take, the years it can steal from you and the impact it can have on the ones you love most. Journaling was a safe place for me as child, especially my teen years, until it was taken and exposed for amusement. And now I am returning to that safe place and opening the door for those who might find some of my journey helpful in their own. My healing process is not over, it is ever evolving and continual, and you are welcome to journey along as it unfolds. My prayer is that from my pathway someone might see how our journeys sit within a broader human experience and that my experience is just one expression of it.
"...and they overcame by the blood of the lamb and the word of their testimony..."
Revelations 12:11
