The Lying Mirror

Projection is something we don’t talk about enough. Somewhere in our upbringing — as we move through life and take on responsibilities, implied or otherwise — we begin to carry a perceived expectation = what we believe is expected of us. We internalize the thoughts and patterns of others, shaped by conversations, criticisms, and impressions we’ve absorbed over the years. We start to build an identity around what we think we should be, because it’s what we’ve subconsciously come to believe others expect from us.

I suspect it begins early. As children, we learn quickly how to please the people we love. We want their approval, their pride, their smiles. Think of the overly excited five‑year‑old performing an unremarkable little dance — and the adult who applauds anyway. In that moment, the child receives a seal of approval: You’re good. You’re enough. You’re safe.

But then we grow up. And those same people who once clapped for our silliness stop applauding. The moments that once earned delight are now met with frustration, or with words that carry meanings we can’t yet understand. As a child, we don’t have the language for it, but we feel it: I missed something. I didn’t meet an expectation. Something about me must be wrong. After enough of those moments, we stop trying.

And it doesn’t end with caregivers. It shows up in friendships, too. You think you’ve found your tribe, but something feels off. Maybe one or two people feel safe, but even with them, you sense limits. You reveal a little too much of yourself and you catch the look — the subtle expression shift, the eye squint, the quiet “air change” that says more than words ever could. It’s lethal in its own way. So, you stop showing your whole self.

Over time, any attempt to be authentic gets dismissed. New, complicated emotions rise up to meet you — feelings you don’t recognize, feelings that don’t even feel like yours. But how could you know? You’ve suppressed yourself for so long that you only know a version of you, an idea of who you’re supposed to be. So, you shrink. The anxiety grows heavier. The lies get louder. Thoughts and emotions begin to reflect foreign beliefs, most of them attacking your self‑esteem and self‑worth. They crush your spirit. They dim your hope. This is how a beautiful woman can look in the mirror and see no beauty at all.

It is projection.

A psychological defense mechanism — one that has finally entered the chat as more people seek healing through therapy and introspection. Projection is when someone with a negative self‑image transfers their own feelings about themselves onto someone else. Translation: a person will call you what they secretly believe about themselves.

One of the most life‑changing realizations for me was learning that I wasn’t crazy - far from it. And most of the harsh thoughts I held about myself weren’t even mine. They were projections.

Imagine carrying the weight of so many people’s unhealed pain — their traumas, their insecurities, their unresolved wounds — and believing it all belonged to you. We’ve all heard the saying, “hurting people hurt people.” Projection is one of the ways it occurs.

Understanding who you are — and who you are not — is essential to debunking the projections you will inevitably encounter in this life. They show up far more often than we realize, and not just through backhanded compliments or “jokes” that are really digs. They appear in silent judgments, in the lack of enthusiasm for your wins, in the subtle withdrawal of warmth, in the shift in the air when you speak to someone who does not value you. They appear in passive‑aggressive moments that only bystanders or cameras catch.

Projections come from everywhere: family, friends, foes, media, education, government, and Church. They are constant. This is why knowing yourself — your beliefs, your feelings, your truth — is non‑negotiable.

Some years ago, several significant relationships that had been many years long and deeply valued began abruptly ending. Some I saw coming, but most I did not. As I released them, I noticed something undeniable, many of the negative thoughts and feelings I had held about myself began to dissolve — some overnight. I felt less pressure to please people and less need to prove my worth. Every self‑limiting belief I held seemed to extinguish itself as those ties were severed. I realized that most of what I felt was never me.

I have always been a highly sensitive person — feeling everything, every moment, every day. That sensitivity fueled the anxiety and depression that I lived with, but I never understood why it felt so heavy. Learning that I had been absorbing what others were projecting onto me… that realization unveiled something for me. It revealed a truth I hadn’t been able to name.

People’s negative thoughts and desires toward me were showing up in my life — in the things they said, the things they implied, the things I unknowingly believed. Their projections had become my inner voice. That understanding reset something in me and set me on the journey to search for and display my authentic self, to recognize the projections that came in on extreme mode and learn to separate myself from what was not mine to dwell on.

It meant challenging every unfamiliar thought and emotion that tried to steer me. It meant refusing to let anything untrue take root in me again. It meant discovering the essence of me and becoming unapologetic about it.

It took time. It took grace. But it worked — and it continues to work.