New York, New York
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The First Stirring
It's a funny thing that while I don't consider myself a die-hard patriot, I am a person who takes pride in her country despite her country not always loving her. It's almost like the family member you can't stomach. "I don't like you, bet not nobody "F" with you!" Yeh, that's it. It's love-hate.
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The first stirring was both the fear and pride that was wrestling in my chest and stomach as we approached the entrance of the city. The initial pride that rose was like a giddy wonderment, a joy, an arrival- an accomplishment. It was quickly overshadowed by an intense fear that all the bridges that the GPS was forcing me to ride over would collapse under me - and we would drown - just because I was on them. Momentarily, in my mind somehow God was intentionally making me face my fear of heights, that started somewhere over the last 5-7 years, and this is very much possible. He does do that to me. First, it was the Delaware bridge, then it was what felt like every bridge that New York has - and I literally think it was. We were staying in Manhattan a few blocks from the Grand Central Station, so we had to cross a lot of bridges to get into the city.
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The city was alive – like alive! Everywhere. The entire visit. The mix of people didn’t make me feel out of place – we were additional faces in the crowd unnoticed, which was a very good start. Our first venture out was to Times Square. To say there were a lot of people is an understatement. I think that it is safe to say that it was more crowded – the city generally, due to it being the week of New Years. I was overstimulated very quickly, which led to me becoming paranoid and all my senses being heightened while there. Between the subway rides, the boat to Liberty Island, Times Square and Canal Street, I had sensory overload.
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On the ride back from Liberty Island I began feeling the symptoms of a panic attack – something that I hadn't experienced in a while, and my son wouldn’t have realized was happening. I never share this experience with him or anyone for that matter. I could feel my heartbeat loudly and I felt like I was in imminent danger suddenly. Over the years I have learned to identify their onset and take steps to alleviate them. I utilized a combination of my anxiety medication - which I hadn’t needed in a long while and personal exercises to weather the anxiety that started while we were in Times Square the day before. I managed to gain control of my inward thoughts and feelings considerably earlier on in the trip by adjusting to the moment and processing the many experiences and feelings that were happening at a fast pace. I don’t believe that I would have been able to handle this trip a few years ago on my own. By the time we left New York I was walking the blocks as though I knew the city, still a bit edgy on the subways and reassured that I don’t care for overly large crowds of people in the open air – it’s just not my thing. There was a conquering that occurred there in New York, and somehow fears grip was loosened a bit more. It wasn’t a full overcoming – more like an inner reassurance that I don’t have to live afraid.
Sitting in the Moment
Sitting in the moment is a very new process to me. I've spent so much time hustling through the day-to-day routines, working, preparing for tomorrow and anticipating what's up and coming - there has been little room left to sit and savor moments. A luxury that I have never taken advantage of. This was one occasion that I was glad to be able to have that moment - kind of like a kiss on the cheek.
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There were several instances that come to mind during our trip that allowed for me to breathe in the experience. I think the first that comes to mind was the walk up to site of the World Trade Center Memorial. It was almost as though I relived the moment in my 11th grade high school U.S History class - where I was when 9/11 occurred. I was reminded of the teachers shuffling quickly through each other's classes and bringing in those bulky 27-inch tv's on the push stands - hurrying to turn the television to live footage of a burning building in New York City. My mind jumped from thought to thought recalling thinking at the time how the building caught fire from the top in my adolescent mind, then seeing a plane fly into the second building, being in disbelief at what had occurred and recalling a conversation in Geometry class the day before where I jokingly talked with classmates about our buildings being bombed and destroyed and a war afterward - a conversation I to this day can't comprehend its occurrence, but it wasn't the first time a live premonition had happened. Immediately following that thought, I recalled the images of the Towers collapsing and all of those people who perished, those who chose to jump out of the buildings rather than burn, and those on the ground who I saw running for their lives in the playback footage. I was humbled and sorrowful. And so, I stood there and remembered.
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Many moments that followed were somehow just as notable. Apart from the chaotic ship's on and off boarding process, and the overwhelming ride with the tons of people to Liberty Island, the Statute of Liberty invoked a feeling of personal pride and a moment that reminded me of my importance as an African American woman. When I looked at her, the back of her - what you see first when approaching her, I was reminded that she was shaped to look like me - a black woman. This idea, accepting myself and my blackness was a whole other trauma I had, had to overcome being raised in the suburbs and subjected to plenty of racism. And somehow in that moment, there was a reinforcement of my understanding that I am divine.
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The following day was exploration day. This was day three. I woke up and felt what was a calming and serene, sensation. In full transparency, I'm not sure if it was the anti-anxiety medication left over from the night before after the panic attack or if reflecting on the experiences the day before had given me some sense of contentment, after all, my sense of contentment was an extension of my gratitude to the Lord for the experience and protection that we were receiving. It never escaped me that I was in an unfamiliar place, so each time that I made it back to the hotel at the days end, I was grateful and relieved. As we ventured out that day, I noticed that we encountered much friendlier people than those I had experienced the day before. I had prepared myself in advance for the "New Yorker attitudes". When we would venture out, we would always randomly stop for food. I have found that those experiences are always better when they are spontaneous - and boy was I right! While we were walking towards Bryant Park Christmas Market there was the smell of freshly cooked bacon coming from a food truck. Oh...it drew me in! There came a calming sensation in my chest and warmth that settled me in the moment. It smelled like home - cause I'm gon fry some bacon. We grabbed a couple breakfast sandwiches, and they were so good and memorable - bacon, egg and cheese on a croissant. They really might've been run of the meal, but in that moment, they were heavenly and one of a kind. The lady on the food truck was so kind and so was the bank teller earlier that morning. In that moment, I was reminded how nice everyone we had encountered that morning was. There was a familiarity - southern hospitality from a better era. It doesn't seem to exist so much now. The warmness in my chest was a reminder that a piece of home can show up wherever you are. I was comfortable and by the time we had stopped for an afternoon lunch in Little Italy, it had dawned on me that I was okay.
Carrying It Home
The feeling of contentment led me to think about my preconceived notions of the people of New York and the first, two days of encounters. Looking through hindsight on the way home, I realized that the people weren't necessarily rude - at least not all of them. The city is just fast - faster than what I am accustomed to. I deduced that the constant rushing, and shoulder bumps were due to the combination of an overcrowded city and the rushed sensation that the city invokes, rather than a personal challenge. A light was shed on the defensiveness that still existed in me from the feeling of needing to "stay ready". Everyone isn't out to hurt you, but, "God help them" if they are. I snapped back to reflection during the 10-hour drive back. I realized I hadn't driven in almost a week. I didn't seem to need a car and that was different. I only needed to top off with $14 bucks on the start to our way home. I felt good, but my legs were killing me. We had walked so much that I felt like my muscles were fatigue. On the bright side, I could use the momentum to kick off a more aggressive exercise routine. This is good! Maybe a thin layer of the wall that I built over my life was falling and indeed a new chapter was really dawning. One that I didn't think could ever exist for me at one point in time.
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I recalled the nostalgic moments that I experienced. The excitement that my son had in Times Square when coming upon retailors and the Krispy Kreme store (the iced coffee was delicious), Biggie's mural and the sites he witnessed for the first time. While I have no desire to ever experience Times Square again at New Years, the journey was well worth the range of emotions that I experienced, and the core memories that were unlocked for my son.