The first set of emotions that compelled me to sit with myself in the moment was a mixture of safety and guilt. I felt guilty for feeling safer, soothed, and sheltered from my own personal fears by the presence of the National Guard. I didn't agree with why they had been sent there. Somehow, I felt that the safe feeling was a betrayal to my own integrity, character, and the dignity of the people of that city. I was questioning me, something that I have always done to myself, but in the worst way. Was I siding with an enemy to freedom for my own comfort? Surely, I am not one of them? I hadn't watched much of the news in the last year- a huge change from my normal and hadn't considered that the National Guard were still in Washington. Their presence made it easier for me to relax from the ever-present intrusive thoughts that thrived off of showing me violent images of my demise as often as possible. In the moment that I began experiencing the negative emotions associated with those feelings; I recalled that it was essential that I give myself grace and kindness. Hmmh...kindness to myself was something that was the hardest thing for me to do just a few years ago. Allowing myself to venture down that thought trail would've been a setback just some years ago. And I deserve kindness, if from no one, I deserved kindness and understanding from me. Immediately following my self-soothing I was reminded that sometimes the Lord takes what is meant to be used for evil and uses it for a benefit, even when it doesn't make sense to the narrative. Maybe it was His way of saying, "Go ahead and enjoy what you have been wanting to experience without the fear that challenges you." Or, maybe it was just coincidence - though nothing in my life has been a coincidence.

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During our visit we toured the National Museum of Natural Science - which I am almost ashamed to admit that I didn't know existed - especially give my interest in science. Another transparent moment- I also didn't know NASA's Headquarters is located in Washington, DC - that tends to happen when you allow your fears to navigate your life and decide that you know the entirety of a thing based on your limited knowledge, experience, and research - you miss a lot, including opportunities. Had I known that NASA was there, we would have stayed an additional day in Washington for the sole purpose of visiting NASA Headquarter. And missing that opportunity was okay, I didn't feel defeated or like I made some grave mistake, like I was previously accustomed to feeling over the smallest missteps and oversights.  A feeling that became a part of my mental processing earlier on in life. Instead of sitting in that moment, I chose to think about when we could go back to visit NASA's HEADQUARTERS!!! OMG -we are close to the headquarter.

We saw the museum while walking the National Mall, headed to the National Monument and what we thought was the Lincoln Memorial - so deceptive. OMG...we walked so long that there was no way we were going to make it back on foot. We ended up on scooters and neither me nor Christian could feel our fingers. It seemed like it got a degree colder with every step we took. ...Smoked my kid on the scooter by the way maxing out at 10 miles per hour! No competition. (I love you, munchkin!) It's funny thinking back how childlike and free I felt riding a scooter for 30 minutes straight trying to fight the Washington air and frostbite. That was a different kind of cold, and a different kind of freedom.